Only a mothe r could love this liver
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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