The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
