Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
