On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
