I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
