I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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