Please, let me fuck your mom
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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