We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
