I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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