Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
