hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
When did we convert life to cartoon?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
