i need an iv and a liver transplant
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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