my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"