she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
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I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
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So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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