It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
