Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
