I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
