wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
drinking out of a sandbucket again
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
