Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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