Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
