FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
