the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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