I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
being pregnant is like rehab
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
