just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
