you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
