She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Randomize
