So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
We left an ass print on the piano.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
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