then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
