There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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