Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
