Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
