i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
