I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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