I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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