Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
