I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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