No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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