I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
