tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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