I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
