Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
