I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
