What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
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I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
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... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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