That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Acid is not a monday night drug
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
