I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
