I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
