dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
