i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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