Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
