Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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