I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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