the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
