I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
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