How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
