I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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