You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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