just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
