i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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