I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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