bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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